Process: Hard To Start

I wrote this very simply because I find it hard to start writing. “ADHD” was a very close second for the title, but I generalized it a bit.

Rhyme scheme is AA, BB, CC, etc. Syllables are all 8, except for the first and last lines which are 6. I chose this syllable count to feel rushed and uncertain, starting with 6 8 and going to 8 6 at the end so the “start” and “end” feel too incomplete to say if either has happened.

More facts:

• I started this poem with the lines “I’ll criticize and make up lies so I won’t even recognize” and went from there.  Usually I start at the start, but I like that I started in the middle for this one since the whole thing is about starting.

• I also do a lot of 4/4 rhymes in this, but they aren’t organized at all.  Sometimes I actually use a word from the end of a line in the next line to seem even more erratic, slightly repetitive, like I don’t know what to say next.  I actually like doing this a lot because people always say not to repeat words when writing, but repetition is great if you do it intentionally.

• The hardest line in the whole poem for me was writing “Without accountability to motivate, or guilt to sate”. I had something VERY specific I wanted to convey, which is that I am motivated by accountability and guilt. When I saw the rhyme for "accountability” (guarantee), I was like “how do I fit the guilt part in here…” I’m still not 100% satisfied with it, but I have to get better at being imperfect.